The Chronicles Of A Stubborn Filipina

A Short Story Of The Filipina In Poverty (Part 3 of 3)

 Turning Points

Change only comes to people who desire it. We Filipinos have a saying “Kung gusto,hahanapan ng paraan. Kung ayaw,maraming dahilan” (If you want to do something,you find a way. If you don’t want to do it,you find reasons not to.) Some people are internally motivated to change themselves but for most, sometimes they need a turning point.  This could sometimes manifest through a bad experience or a good one if they are lucky. Juana has had a lot of turning points. As a matter of fact, a lot of good ones given that so many people have offered to help her. If I were to assess, she’s one lucky person. Sometimes I wonder if some people need a bad experience to want to change.

 For a month, Juana and I just kept in touch through calls and messages. I was busy with work but we would both update each other about what was going on with each other’s lives. I do visit the site often for work but the entire community is 108 hectares and she lives at the edge while our office is at the other side.  Sometimes, it can be too much effort to visit her especially since most of the time I go home disappointed, heartbroken even.

 One of those visits,I had a meeting with the priest who stays at the area and he ends our conversation with “I’m so disappointed with Juana.” He had a grim look on his face and I knew it wasn’t good.

“What happened?” I ask

“She called me to her home yesterday..to bless the body of her youngest child.” He continues. “Remember him? He was a year and half.”

Of course I remember him, his smile, the innocent cute face, the cute little hoodie as he rode in our van. Yes, I remember him and I even have pictures on him somewhere in my iPod.

“What happened?” I ask again. The priest just seemed distraught. “I had to stop myself from throwing up while blessing the body. The smell was just too much. He was rotting fast.” I was waiting for him to finish but I had to ask for the third time “What happened? He seemed okay a month ago.” I wanted to cry. He was so cute.

“Worms. He had tapeworms. He was too small and malnourished. The worms came out of his ears, nose and mouth to search for food. The doctor said they got 42 of them”

He choked on them. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to react. I was crushed and at the same time angry. I felt helpless and useless.

“Why didn’t she ask for your help? Why didn’t she call me? His stomach didn’t even seem distended the last time I saw him!”

 It would have just taken a deworming session, a doctor’s check up. It wouldn’t even cost much. Then I remember her little baby crawling on the dirt- ridden ground, sleeping with the dog, walking barefoot and naked. All her kids were enrolled in the feeding program, why wasn’t he? There were 9 kids plus her grand child. I could imagine how she could have not noticed. When you’re a mother, you know babies are totally helpless. You leave them for a few seconds, they could bump their head. If their fever gets too high, they convulse. When they start throwing up,they get dehydrated after doing this a handful of times. Juana knew she neglected him. She knew she did something wrong. Then I knew why she didn’t call on us for help. Shame and pride. The poor child didn’t even have a birth certificate yet and he dies.

 I just felt angry. Angry at Juana for letting it happen and angry at myself for not having done anything. The child would have been easy to save. It would not have taken much,if only I knew. Then the priest broke my silence “Don’t worry,she has a replacement already.” He says. I don’t know if it was a joke. What did he mean by a replacement?

 “ Buntis na naman si Juana.” (Juana’s pregnant again) I knew he wouldn’t joke about something like that.

How The Mind & Heart Keeps Sane

 During the ride home and the next few weeks, I was bothered. I was angry, guilty and I just wanted to give up. My logical head just kept saying that I should just give up on Juana. There are just too many other people to help and she was just disappointing. In my head I felt like she never listened to a word I had said.

 I planned to visit her several times and cancel out last minute. “She’s probably still grieving.” I say when in truth, I was not ready to see her, I just might say things I shouldn’t.

 How do you help someone like her without breaking your own sanity?

There are millions of Juana’s out there. Millions of people trapped and don’t know any better. People at the bottom of the pit of poverty who try to claw out and fall, claw out and they get buried some more. They just look up from the pit hopelessly until getting out of it seems to be an impossible task. They stay there and try to forget that there is a better world and as most Filipinos do,make most out of the situation and learn to laugh at their hunger and the deaths.

Helping them out seems to be an impossible task too. Many would think you’re crazy for even trying. You reach out and they can pull you down with them, you toss a rope and they don’t know what to do with it. Most of the time, they question why you’re helping them. It’s easier to just give up and pack up, easier to just forget that these people exist and walk away. They seem happy anyway. They laugh. We walk away and as most Filipinos do,make most of the situation and learn to be callous of their hunger and their deaths.

 They go on with their lives. We go on with our lives. It’s a vicious cycle of poverty and apathy.

 These thoughts haunt me at night.

If the strategy isn’t working,change it. “Ano ang paraan?” (What is the way?) I think and think then it hits me. I shouldn’t think. I should just continue to love. Think with my heart because this understands more. Love people who need it sincerely, unconditionally and deeply. Darn.

 “Bye, ate! Salamat sa saging!” I call out as I pass the neighbor’s house.

 “Thank you,ha! Text kita para sa dagdag na order. Go,go,go tayo!” (Thank you! I’ll send you a text message for additional orders! We’re a go,go,go!)  I call out as I ride the van.

I shut the door and see Juana wave at me. Her stomach already showing her pregnancy. In the van, I have 100 doormats to sell to friends, wonderful looking ones. Not only does she have skillful hands,she has an eye for good color combinations. I heard her community pushed through with the doormats and wanted to see what I can do to help but I was bracing myself.

The only thing I said when I got to her house was “Wala akong planong mag sermon. Tapos na iyon.” She knew that I found out about her child and just hugged me,not saying a word. I look around and say “Ang ganda. Mukhang busy ka. Magkano ang doormats? Go,go,go tayo diyan ha.”

 “Pagod na ako. Gusto ko na lang maging busy at mag isip para di ko maalala ang nawala ko’ng bata.” (I’m tired. I just want to be busy and think so that I don’t remember my lost child.) A little voice in my head says “I’ve heard that from her before” but I hug her. Her mind needs to forget and my heart understands more. That’s how we keep sane.